Tale of Two Crystals

In every report card from my youth you will probably see the words "Crystal talks too much in class" scribbled on the back under the teacher comments.  I was an outgoing, bossy lil thing and I did love to talk.  All the way up until my senior year of high school, I had something to say. Then somebody had a brilliant idea and decided that pregnancy would shut me up real fast.  Sadly, it worked.  I zipped my lips at 17 years old and became shy, introverted Crystal.  The social retard.

Unless I know you extremely well, I will be awkward and quiet. I will turn red when any attention is put onto me.  It has completely become who I am.  To remember that young girl before 17 years old, is like thinking of someone else's memories.  I have a home video of myself, when I was around 12 years old which totally puts on display, THAT Crystal.  My kids love to watch it.  I was silly, outgoing, and completely carefree.   I watch with my family and tell them "See, mom use to be fun.  Mom use to be crazy."  I see them quietly wondering where that girl went. They want THAT mom.  Now, that's not to say that I am not silly and crazy, but often it's just for them. Once in a crowd, it immediately stops. I sulk and become a wall flower. The observer. The listener. The social retard.  Often this makes other people just as uncomfortable and not knowing how to deal with such shyness, they leave me alone. This makes for terrible insecurity about myself. 

I do not have people in my home. Ever.  In 8 years of living here in Alaska, we had a couple over one time and that was 6-7 years ago.  I do not know how to entertain.  If it was up to me, we would play board games at my parties.  I don't even know the etiquette of having people over. I would stress for days as well as through the entire get together and probably have zero fun. I do know how to cook, but I will be darned if I do it for anyone other than my immediate family. Sorry.  I do have kids spend the night for sleepovers, but even then the house must be in perfect order. Food must fill the pantry. Just ask my kids. I am even shy with other people's kids!  On that note, I even hate talking on the phone (even to order pizza!) just ask my husband. 

I have been compared to other mom's before. (Bless my kids hearts, I know they mean well) but kids are often drawn to those fun, outgoing moms who just get out there and do it.  "Mom, I wish you were like ....." has been said to me at times.  It has hurt me and I have prayed and begged for it just to go away, but we are talking about stripping away 15 years of horrible insecurities.  It's hard to just "do it." I have even told my husband that I think he would be happier with someone more outgoing. Someone more like what he has in his family. Instead he got stuck with an insecure, quiet, social retard. I actually feel sorry for him at times.  How awful is that?

My shyness has paid it's price a few times.  I now have 4 fairly shy children. This is how they have grown up.  They still have to be prompted to say "Thank you" to people, not because they are rude children, but because they are shy!  I fear they are going to be judged by others who do not understand what it means to be a shy person.  It does not make one rude. It does not make one a snobby bitch.  It does not make one inconsiderate.  It just makes them different from you.

Now, those who are willing to work to get to know me (I know it seems unfair to have to do all the work) but you are in for a treat!  If you are willing to be the one to invite me into your life, home, activities and dig me out of my shell, you will be forever glad you did.  Underneath the insecurity and shyness, I am still silly, fun, and outgoing.  Very few people have been willing to do this.  I once told a friend straight forward "I won't call you. I won't invite you over. I won't ask you to do stuff. You have to do it for me. I am sorry and I know that it is unfair, but I have to feel comfortable first"  and she did.  She absolutely made the effort.  That takes an awesomely secure person to not take it personally.

I suppose I will never get back to that Crystal from long ago on a regular basis. I have grown and changed. The problem is, being okay with who I am. Realizing that being outgoing does not make one a better person than me. As we get closer to leaving this isolation we have been in for the past 8 years, visiting many people, some for the first time, I am feeling the internal stress of it all.  Once again, hanging my head and feeling like an outcast. Secretly wishing I was like all those other women, moms, friends, etc..  I am tired of feeling like my kids deserve a better mom just because I am shy. I am tired of feeling like my husband deserves a better wife because I am shy. I am tired of feeling less than because my face happens to get red when you talk to me. Or because I am quiet.

I am Crystal. When you strip away this shell I live in on this earth, I am just as bright of a light as you are.